Don’t look now, but there are Irish Americans living among us.
They endeavor to blend in. But make no mistake, they are hiding in plain sight, and their mission is to take over.
How is it possible to spot these Irish Americans so diabolically infiltrating our communities?
You may think the authorities could just round them up this time of year. But Saint Patrick’s Day revelers are unlikely to be the real megillah. They’re just posers trying to be edgy.
Since it’s not practical to put random samples of citizens in tanning booths to see who burns fastest, here’s a guide to spotting Irish American subversives before it’s too late.
Irish cooking has two steps: On and off.
If the couple down the block is forever roasting hams, or chickens, or boiling things, it’s a good sign they’re Irish American.
The Celts have tremendous recall. Thirty years on, they can recount which kid threw up at his first holy communion.
(Also, “first holy communion” is a tipoff.)
Irish Americans are particularly good at remembering who slighted them.
Question: What’s the definition of Irish Alzheimer’s?
Answer: You only remember your grudges.
3. Yarn Spinners
If a person at work narrates a recent trip to the grocery store when they were standing in the dairy aisle, and they got to discussing the virtues of two-percent milk over whole milk, and then discovered the person they were talking to was their third cousin, and the aforementioned cousin revealed that his grandfather raised dairy cows, and one cow, named Cocoa, gave chocolate milk once a year on the Feast of the Assumption, and this anecdote goes on for longer than ten minutes, and involves at least one improbability.
Chances are, Irish American.
(Also, “Feast of the Assumption” and the existence of third cousins are tip-offs.)
4. Cleanliness is next to Irishness
Irish Americans are OCD-level cleaners. If the house smells of Clorox, could be Irish Americans live there.
This conversation was recently obtained via secret recording between two women, long suspected of Irish Americanism.
Woman #1. Sometimes when I vacuum the kitchen, I find myself out the back door vacuuming the porch.
Woman #2. That’s nothing. Last week I made it all the way down the driveway.
5. Humor, especially of the dark variety
Question in front of the casket: Did he have any last requests?
Answer in front of the casket: Yes. Put down the damn gun.
If you walk into a wake and hear gales of laughter, chances are, it’s Irish Americans.
(Also, “wake” is a tip-off.)
There is no time to waste. We must all spot Irish Americans now before it’s too late, and our society is hygienic, entertained and filled with mirth.