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NYC’s Worst 5 Places for Dawdling Offenders

I’m tired of feeling guilty about being an impatient New Yorker. In our Deepak-Chopra, slow-food-movement, yogafied world, rushing has gotten a bad rap.

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So, enough about the Power of Now. How about the Power of Get the Hell Out of the Way?

Here are the five places where malingerers really need to pick up the pace.

5. Ladies Rooms

I’m a woman too. I don’t get it. What in tarnation is taking you gals so long? Pee and go.

4. Escalators

The top of one of these jobbers is a lousy place to fish your lipstick out of your handbag. Or to check your email.

That also goes for stairs, street corners and the middle of Grand Central Station.

3.  Sidewalks

Three abreast is not allowed. Other people can’t pass you. Walk in a line.

New York City pedestrians must obey the same etiquette as drivers. If you linger in the left-hand lane, I reserve the right to tailgate you and glower when I pass.

2. Busses

The bus driver is not your personal tour guide. Do not hop on and engage in a lengthy dialog about where the bus turns and whether it stops at 51st Street. There’s an app for that.

If you are a tourist and are confused, what you need to do is stand on a corner, and look confused. You will be instantly mobbed by helpful New Yorkers who will tell you anything you need to know. When we’re not late, we’re considerate.

1. Fairway

There’s a new one on 86th and Second Avenue. And, like its older siblings on the Westside, the produce department reminds you of a toy store in the midst of a Christmastime run on Tickle Me Elmo.

fairway

 

All disabled and elderly people should stay away from Fairway on Sunday afternoons. And while we’re at it, that includes moms with toddlers. Four o’clock on Superbowl Sunday with a triplet stroller? Are you kidding me?

Now, if the elderly or disabled can help out—say by using their canes to give slowpokes a salutary thwack or two—then you get to stay. (Toddlers are still banned.)

If we all agree to 1-5 above, we can husband our patience for the circumstances where it’s really needed, where no power, human or divine, can ever make things go faster.

The Van Wyck

Garbage trucks blocking crosstown traffic

Transferring to the E train at 53rd Street

The 2012 Republican Primary

 

Who’s getting in your way?

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